i like to tell myself that you're not just talking to me now because i have someone new in my life and you want to see if you can succeed in coming between us... again. i say it's not just a game for you (that you have already won two times in a row). i like to think that you genuinely missed me during your vow of silence against me. i want to believe that you want the best for me and would never try to make me regret my decision to move on. you would never take advantage of my feelings for you in order to ultimately hurt me and someone else... again... right?
right.
these are the good lies.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
a way to you
hey!!!! i miss justin. urgh :/
in other news, david sedaris has become one of my favorite writers of all time. PROBABALY because the new york times called him the wittiest new yorker since dorothy parker... oh, dp. you will always have me. i am determined to read ALL of his books. why? because, quite simply, he gets me weak. he's so cynical and... i dunno. real? my mother thought there was something wrong with me i was laughing so hard. until she read the book herself. so far 'naked' is a lot funnier than 'me talk pretty one day,' but that's just me. 'me talk pretty one day' made me love david sedaris forever though. i want to read 'when engulfed in flames' next. "it's a beautiful day. get out and smell the goddamned flowers."
i'd say he pretty much gets me.
if carlson and mshamm don't stop making examples of my damn essays i might start thinking i'm doomed to become a writer or something.
in other news, david sedaris has become one of my favorite writers of all time. PROBABALY because the new york times called him the wittiest new yorker since dorothy parker... oh, dp. you will always have me. i am determined to read ALL of his books. why? because, quite simply, he gets me weak. he's so cynical and... i dunno. real? my mother thought there was something wrong with me i was laughing so hard. until she read the book herself. so far 'naked' is a lot funnier than 'me talk pretty one day,' but that's just me. 'me talk pretty one day' made me love david sedaris forever though. i want to read 'when engulfed in flames' next. "it's a beautiful day. get out and smell the goddamned flowers."
i'd say he pretty much gets me.
if carlson and mshamm don't stop making examples of my damn essays i might start thinking i'm doomed to become a writer or something.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
a Quartz contentment, like a stone
justin=miracle
i like being a spanish tutor, but i really hope that i'm not destined to become a teacher.
i'm quite excited about the impending handwritten note frenzy betwixt eve and me.
i love james zwack. death... seems heroic to me, and it's hard to explain why.
death is lonely and scary... if you experience it, you must be some kind of brave. right?
i don't make sense to anyone except for me.
love.
i like being a spanish tutor, but i really hope that i'm not destined to become a teacher.
i'm quite excited about the impending handwritten note frenzy betwixt eve and me.
i love james zwack. death... seems heroic to me, and it's hard to explain why.
death is lonely and scary... if you experience it, you must be some kind of brave. right?
i don't make sense to anyone except for me.
love.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
realizations
1) i like lists. otherwise, there is no chance of me having any sort of organization
2) in the event of a ramen noodle shortage, the majority of my family would starve and cease to exist
3) this time last year, eve and i were falling in love at the alabama theater over bright eyes
"sell myself for a bight eyes shirt..."
4) this time last year, i was happy
5) this time last year, you were still around
6) two days til my birthday, what the eff?
7) i hate birthdays
2) in the event of a ramen noodle shortage, the majority of my family would starve and cease to exist
3) this time last year, eve and i were falling in love at the alabama theater over bright eyes
"sell myself for a bight eyes shirt..."
4) this time last year, i was happy
5) this time last year, you were still around
6) two days til my birthday, what the eff?
7) i hate birthdays
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
i have
1) the vcard
2) the act of congress cd
neither of which you are ever getting back.
you have nothing of mine.
i guess i got the better end of the deal after all.
p.s. i promise this is the end of the hell hath no fury posts.
maybe.
2) the act of congress cd
neither of which you are ever getting back.
you have nothing of mine.
i guess i got the better end of the deal after all.
p.s. i promise this is the end of the hell hath no fury posts.
maybe.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
from A Century of Epigrams by JV Cunningham
29
History of ideas
God is love. Then by conversion
Love is God, and sex conversion.
33
On a cold night I came through the cold rain
And false snow to the wind shrill on your pane
With no hope and no anger and no fear.
Who are you? And with whom do you sleep here?
55
I had gone broke, and got set to come back,
And lost, on a hot day and a fast track,
On a long shot at long odds, a black mare
By Hatred out of Envy by Despair.
62
You ask me how Contempt who claims to sleep
With every woman that has ever been
Can still maintain that women are skin deep?
They never let him any deeper in.
76
Good Fortune, when I hailed her recently,
Passed by me with the intimacy of shame
As one that in the dark had handled me
And could no longer recollect my name.
i stil hate you.
big shout out to eve for existing and kbuck for "following" my bog lol
it's good to be back.
History of ideas
God is love. Then by conversion
Love is God, and sex conversion.
33
On a cold night I came through the cold rain
And false snow to the wind shrill on your pane
With no hope and no anger and no fear.
Who are you? And with whom do you sleep here?
55
I had gone broke, and got set to come back,
And lost, on a hot day and a fast track,
On a long shot at long odds, a black mare
By Hatred out of Envy by Despair.
62
You ask me how Contempt who claims to sleep
With every woman that has ever been
Can still maintain that women are skin deep?
They never let him any deeper in.
76
Good Fortune, when I hailed her recently,
Passed by me with the intimacy of shame
As one that in the dark had handled me
And could no longer recollect my name.
i stil hate you.
big shout out to eve for existing and kbuck for "following" my bog lol
it's good to be back.
here it comes
I can honestly say that I hate you now. and all your little girl friends. yeah I hate you all. and I haven't hated anyone in a very long time. but you are a dastardly coward. you disgust me. you used me and you never even gave a damn. but that's ok. I have something you don't have. i've got secrets that would make you cry.
so make the best of this distance you have created. see if I ever drive your pathetic drunk ass home again. I hope she is happy; I hope they are all so fucking happy. but most of all, I hope that someone leaves you to cry alone in a parking lot someday. honestly. bastard.
"Seventy Times 7"
Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to.
As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)
So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.
And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever
So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.
so make the best of this distance you have created. see if I ever drive your pathetic drunk ass home again. I hope she is happy; I hope they are all so fucking happy. but most of all, I hope that someone leaves you to cry alone in a parking lot someday. honestly. bastard.
"Seventy Times 7"
Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to.
As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)
So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.
And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever
So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
please don't
you shouldn't. i wish i did, but i just don't have time for you. i am NOT cute. i am fat. my hair is neither straight nor dyed. i would rather listen to folk music than metal. i only know three led zeppelin songs. i will end up hurting you and you will end up hating me. i don't want either of those things to happen. so please don't.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
SHIT, son
time to panic.
1) my car goes to the shop tomorrow morning, id est, i will be car-less for a week
2) uab physics final exam tomorrow afternoon (SHIT!!!)
3) registration tomorrow morning when i need to be home studying for my physics final
4) need to complete physics exam review and homework by tomorrow morning
by thursday:
5) need to complete book cards
6) need to complete great gatsby timeline
7) need to complete hemingway parody
8) need to complete ap u.s. history essays
say a prayer for me. i don't think god listens when i talk anymore. not that i blame him.
1) my car goes to the shop tomorrow morning, id est, i will be car-less for a week
2) uab physics final exam tomorrow afternoon (SHIT!!!)
3) registration tomorrow morning when i need to be home studying for my physics final
4) need to complete physics exam review and homework by tomorrow morning
by thursday:
5) need to complete book cards
6) need to complete great gatsby timeline
7) need to complete hemingway parody
8) need to complete ap u.s. history essays
say a prayer for me. i don't think god listens when i talk anymore. not that i blame him.
Friday, August 1, 2008
the reasons
1. your favorite band is sublime... srsly?
2. you go for extended periods of time without a haircut
3. the subs in your car occupy the entire trunk
4. you claim that you haven't cried since you were seven
5. you don't read
6. you survive on bratwurst and propel
7. your room always looks like a trash heap
8. your parents trust you waaaaay too much
9. you watch mythbusters (or go to sleep) every day after school
10. you're an underachiver
11. you have a fake ID
12. you're always late
13. you make my heart stop
2. you go for extended periods of time without a haircut
3. the subs in your car occupy the entire trunk
4. you claim that you haven't cried since you were seven
5. you don't read
6. you survive on bratwurst and propel
7. your room always looks like a trash heap
8. your parents trust you waaaaay too much
9. you watch mythbusters (or go to sleep) every day after school
10. you're an underachiver
11. you have a fake ID
12. you're always late
13. you make my heart stop
Thursday, July 31, 2008
i know, i know
i'm a boonch for that last post. but i was a bit bitter (for good reason?). and therapy is therapy.
i want a deaf boyfriend. anyone who saw true life last night should know why.
HOLY.
CRAP.
i kind of love my life.
i love you in the same way, there's a chapel in a hospital.
i want a deaf boyfriend. anyone who saw true life last night should know why.
HOLY.
CRAP.
i kind of love my life.
i love you in the same way, there's a chapel in a hospital.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
first impressions
i'd like to introduce you to my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend :)maybe she won't find out what i know.
p.s. i quote fall out boy a lot lately, and i don't know why.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
ready, set, go gay!
yesterday, i:
fell in love with alex all over agian :)
smoked a cigarette
was the willing recipient of your four a.m. drunk dial (i wish you could remember that you told me you missed me in your drunken stupor)
today, i:
fell in love with alex all over again :)
drank coffee because i couldn't find drugs. i don't even like coffee.
prayed you still had some rum left to fuel yourself for one more call to my phone at four in the morning...
owning everyone i work with in three games of lazer tag was fantastic. anddd i got SWIMMER OF THER YEAR at the swim team banquet, bitchezzz. they prolly just felt bad for making me swim backstroke in the medley relay on sunday. haha.
"and i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay"
fell in love with alex all over agian :)
smoked a cigarette
was the willing recipient of your four a.m. drunk dial (i wish you could remember that you told me you missed me in your drunken stupor)
today, i:
fell in love with alex all over again :)
drank coffee because i couldn't find drugs. i don't even like coffee.
prayed you still had some rum left to fuel yourself for one more call to my phone at four in the morning...
owning everyone i work with in three games of lazer tag was fantastic. anddd i got SWIMMER OF THER YEAR at the swim team banquet, bitchezzz. they prolly just felt bad for making me swim backstroke in the medley relay on sunday. haha.
"and i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay"
Friday, July 25, 2008
OMGAH
omgeez i just got my lesportsac in the mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)))) i love it. it's perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD nurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD nurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
hey soulja boy, can i-
all of the fun buddy mix- isms that i can think of... as of 7/23/08
"i can haz?"/"i can haz my way with you?"
"what are you doing out of my bed?"
"um getinmypants kthanxbi"
"YOU FELT IT TOO???"
midnight thirty/noon thirty/ noon ten, etc.
"YAH BOYS YAH!"
club haunted; team get some
"NURRR"
godPod
"didn't happen"
"PICS or it didn't happen!"
"don't worry about it"
"go out with me MEHHHHHH!"
"hey trick"
mongolian dog/ dog fried rice/ dog rolls, etc.
"in YOUR country..."
goodnight world.
"i can haz?"/"i can haz my way with you?"
"what are you doing out of my bed?"
"um getinmypants kthanxbi"
"YOU FELT IT TOO???"
midnight thirty/noon thirty/ noon ten, etc.
"YAH BOYS YAH!"
club haunted; team get some
"NURRR"
godPod
"didn't happen"
"PICS or it didn't happen!"
"don't worry about it"
"go out with me MEHHHHHH!"
"hey trick"
mongolian dog/ dog fried rice/ dog rolls, etc.
"in YOUR country..."
goodnight world.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
lust for life
i would die for this bag. srsly? naw not srsly. 
i don't have a lot to say today except that i had a pretty good day and i greatly dislike my boss :) also, i got texting back on my phone. thank gawd. i am getting a few of my friends to make me their own playlists for my ipod so that i can name a playlist for each of them, hear the songs and think of them. i'm excited about that. i want to do something really outdoorsy before summer ends. but what?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
thank you, nada surf
Watching terrible TV
It kills all thoughts
Getting spacier than an astronaut
Making out with people I hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do
Late at night
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can't read the first
So I just don't start
It's getting worse
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
Of course I'll be alrightI just had a bad night
It kills all thoughts
Getting spacier than an astronaut
Making out with people I hardly know or like
I can't believe what I do
Late at night
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can't read the first
So I just don't start
It's getting worse
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
Of course I'll be alrightI just had a bad night
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
ya srsly!
i encountered an old lover and a potentially new lover today. they both gave me just about the same look. now eve and i are making mac and cheese to chase the pain away. we're both exhausted.. i'm glad i'm not at home tonight. i want to stay away from that place.
p.s. next time, i WILL lay my head against your shoulder.
p.s. next time, i WILL lay my head against your shoulder.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
i am jill's suppressed passion
i have to work at 4:30 in the morning tomorrow. haven't had to do that since... well, you know. that was one of the best days of my life, by the way. that freezing cold morning, huddled together in my car together and the scent of vodka so heavy on your breath that i could hardly stand to kiss you. and i loved you.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
fun buddy mix
never underestimate the power of a sonic run and an overwhelmingly asian video game :)
today i was thinking about how very thankful i am for my friends. they heave made this summer unforgettable. they accept me and my crazy quirks...they have never abandonned me... they love me for who i am and we have the BEST times together. i spent so many days last year being sad, but all of the happy days i've had this summer have all but made up for them. i dunno, i'm really content right now. but i think i have an ear infection :/
today i was thinking about how very thankful i am for my friends. they heave made this summer unforgettable. they accept me and my crazy quirks...they have never abandonned me... they love me for who i am and we have the BEST times together. i spent so many days last year being sad, but all of the happy days i've had this summer have all but made up for them. i dunno, i'm really content right now. but i think i have an ear infection :/
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
i don't care i like you!
today i bought a sparrow necklace because i want to fly away from you...
then lesley and i drove around in my convertible with the top down, blasting portions for foxes. liberating.
it was an inspirational day.
i hope you had fun at senior pictures. why am i jealous of everyone you come in contact with? pshhh. but no matter what, i had you first.
maybe i'll be able to get to sleep before 2 a.m. tonight.... just maybe. this whole six hours of sleep thing is killin' me, but it's keeping me alive.
Monday, July 7, 2008
every day is not like today
my life is complicated.
i have so much to say i don't know where to begin. i am in perpetual pain and i have been this way for a long time. some days are worse than others, but mainly i just hurt all of the time. i have told myself so many times to just let it go and move on, but how am i supposed to just "let go" of something that changed my life completely? how am i supposed to let my best friend, confidant, and first love walk away from me forever without even giving me an explanation as to why? over a year of bliss ended in just a few moments. promises were broken and my trust in you, my very best friend, was shattered. every night since then i stay awake thinking about all of the nights we spent together, staying up until all hours of the morning and then falling asleep with smiles on our faces... i want those nights back so badly. every morning i wake up and think about what i must've done wrong and what i should've done differently. answers never come. not from you, not from myself. i suppose i will never know why you changed your mind about me. i want to be your friend but it just kills me how you are able to carry on with your life like i never even existed to you. like i never even existed...
it's funny. you knew every single thing about me. it's a shame you couldn't find something to love.
i have so much to say i don't know where to begin. i am in perpetual pain and i have been this way for a long time. some days are worse than others, but mainly i just hurt all of the time. i have told myself so many times to just let it go and move on, but how am i supposed to just "let go" of something that changed my life completely? how am i supposed to let my best friend, confidant, and first love walk away from me forever without even giving me an explanation as to why? over a year of bliss ended in just a few moments. promises were broken and my trust in you, my very best friend, was shattered. every night since then i stay awake thinking about all of the nights we spent together, staying up until all hours of the morning and then falling asleep with smiles on our faces... i want those nights back so badly. every morning i wake up and think about what i must've done wrong and what i should've done differently. answers never come. not from you, not from myself. i suppose i will never know why you changed your mind about me. i want to be your friend but it just kills me how you are able to carry on with your life like i never even existed to you. like i never even existed...
it's funny. you knew every single thing about me. it's a shame you couldn't find something to love.
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