Disconnect the Dots

wilco will love you, baby.
Habitat today... my arm hurts. nailing shit is harder than it looks... from the front, the side and the top..........eh.
i was thinking of how when you ask someone a question, you've already mentally anticipated their response and you're in the midst of reacting to that response before they've even answered the question. and when they answer in the opposite way it's always super surprising.

It's so beautiful, our lunacy. It's so beautiful.
-Of Montreal

staplegunned

It was in the lobby when I set my sights on you
I should have kissed you in the elevator
But I was too scared to
It was in the morning when I made up my mind
I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time

Do I have to spell it out for you
or scream it in your face
Oh the chemistry between us could destroy this place
Do I have to spell it out for you
or whisper in your ear
Oh just stop right there
I think that weve got something here

We were all alone when I finally made a pass at you
It didnt work, and no it never does
but you know how I do
We were on the phone when I made up my mind
I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time

no more braces. and senior portraits today. i hate it when photographers try to be funny.
i'm kind of in a daze cause i took a mepergan this morning. my throat hurt, ok?
wondering if this is worth it. ugh working all week. then the damnwells show :)

And I miss you. I miss you every single day.

our ideas held no water, but we used them like a dam.

Hello. So when would be the most convenient time for you to break my heart?
So this, I guess, goes back to three days ago...and last night as well. Because it rarley ever happens just once (It's the nature of the experiment, taking me in increments). It continues to go like a cycle, or a wave, and you have to stay with it until it washes you up, cold and desperate, onto the shore.
But I'm finally coming to grips with something that I should have acknowledged a long time ago. Because this isn't the first time this has happened, or I that I have let it happen. This is not the first time I have felt this way, and judging from my past it surely won't be the last.
Giving someone part of you does not entitle you to so much as a portion of their goodwill, or for that matter, any further acknowlegement of your existence whatsoever.
It's a painful phenomenon that has seemed to follow me out of each and every lover's grip. But it's never stung like it does right now. I actually value and desire his concern for me, moreso than I ever have with anyone else. He matters. And our relationship matters to me. It's trite as hell, but he's so much greater than anyone I have ever known (You are the Best One of the Best Ones). Everything about him enthralls me (Excuse my French emotion and my passion, but I wear my heart on my sleeve like is's the new fashion). I refuse to let him get away, and I refuse to let him forget about me. Even if I never mean shit to him, he has to remember...
If he would just embrace the fact that I care about him, maybe things wuld be so much better for me. He accepts my friendship. And my quirks. So I guess I can't aske for much more than that. But I don't know if he realizes how hung up I am on him. I mean, it's been eight months. And my feelings have only continued to grow.
But I'm not going to whine or expect anyone to feel sorry for me, because this is the choice I have made, and I knew that this would be the probable outcome. Besides, the times that we spend together are second to none. No bullshit, no controversey, just enjoyment. And I know things like this usually don't add up to much in the end, as has become quite apparent. But still, you always hope you'll be the exception...

Darlin I wish you well, on your way to the wishing well

i can't find solid ground

i can't find solid ground, a friend who won't dip, a stair that won't slip. i fucking give up. i'm starting over.
"and forget everyone who's jaded, cause they don't matter and i don't care."

i'd give anything to spend all of my afternoons in your annex cuddling and watching satellite tv. fuck. some things just don't happen twice. nothing that's worth mentioning at least.

o well. in truth i don't need anyone at all.

all i ever did was write you love poems

well? life is stressful. and I am worried.
"we're dangerous together"-mom
also, convinced I have ADD. can't wait to lay in bed and do nothing for a few weeks.
faraday was a bastard.
a resounding "ugh!
... thoughts of you are all that get me through. isn't that pathetic? that my entire mood can be altered by a thought of or a single word from or about you? anything. it makes me smile.

the saddest story ever told

once upon a time we fell in love or at least that's what you said
you say i could find someone else but i just wish i was dead

do-do-do-do-dooo come on

those days are gone
you and i were young those summer nights
you'll see the world
darling, for a girl you'll never find
and then you'll quietly grow old,
the saddest story ever told
---
that's kind of all i have to say today. back to studying trig identities pleasekillme.

we don't have much room to live

you continue to keep your distance. actually, you keep enough for quite a few people.

thank you for texting me on the one night where i had finally resigned to the fact that i wasn't going to hear from you. as fate would have it, i was asleep. needless to say, i will be sleeping one-eye-open-phone-in-hand for the rest of my life.

dear life, very funny. love, eheeter

random dashboard lyric of the day: who cares if we're apart for the big days it's the small ones that made me fall in love with you.

i really wish that child abuse didn't exist-
not for its victims' sake, mind you.
not so the suffering of thousands of children would cease.
not so little susie's meth-addicted mother of 16 would feed her tonight.
but so i wouldn't have to write a damn paper about it.

let me victimize myself at every given opportunity.
thank you come again.

would you ouija board would you ouija board would you work for me?

so i realize i epicfail at updating this thing. but i'm ready to start again. mainly i've been too angry to even think about writing. angry for no reason, angry with reckless abandon, ruthlessly angry despite myself. you'll be glad to know, however, that i have remained the same pathetic excuse for a human being though many months have passed since my last post. i have concluded that i am one of those people who is just meant to be alone because i can't bring myself to care about anything. honestly, i think about all of the qualities that a person looks for when looking for a mate and realize that i possess none of them and predict that i never will. everyone i have ever fallen for doesn't quite consider me worthy of their attention, and everyone that has ever fallen for me is not worthy of mine. so i'm a hypocrite, but at least i respect the right of others to reject me completely. i am satisfied to have friends that know me and at least try to understand.
i'm still holding out for your rapture. maybe one day you will appreciate or at least realize how much i care about you.
jaw surgery= 11 days away. what a way to spend spring break...
hey, i can get sexual too.

the good lies

i like to tell myself that you're not just talking to me now because i have someone new in my life and you want to see if you can succeed in coming between us... again. i say it's not just a game for you (that you have already won two times in a row). i like to think that you genuinely missed me during your vow of silence against me. i want to believe that you want the best for me and would never try to make me regret my decision to move on. you would never take advantage of my feelings for you in order to ultimately hurt me and someone else... again... right?
right.
these are the good lies.

a way to you

hey!!!! i miss justin. urgh :/
in other news, david sedaris has become one of my favorite writers of all time. PROBABALY because the new york times called him the wittiest new yorker since dorothy parker... oh, dp. you will always have me. i am determined to read ALL of his books. why? because, quite simply, he gets me weak. he's so cynical and... i dunno. real? my mother thought there was something wrong with me i was laughing so hard. until she read the book herself. so far 'naked' is a lot funnier than 'me talk pretty one day,' but that's just me. 'me talk pretty one day' made me love david sedaris forever though. i want to read 'when engulfed in flames' next. "it's a beautiful day. get out and smell the goddamned flowers."
i'd say he pretty much gets me.
if carlson and mshamm don't stop making examples of my damn essays i might start thinking i'm doomed to become a writer or something.

a Quartz contentment, like a stone

justin=miracle
i like being a spanish tutor, but i really hope that i'm not destined to become a teacher.
i'm quite excited about the impending handwritten note frenzy betwixt eve and me.
i love james zwack. death... seems heroic to me, and it's hard to explain why.
death is lonely and scary... if you experience it, you must be some kind of brave. right?
i don't make sense to anyone except for me.
love.

realizations

1) i like lists. otherwise, there is no chance of me having any sort of organization
2) in the event of a ramen noodle shortage, the majority of my family would starve and cease to exist
3) this time last year, eve and i were falling in love at the alabama theater over bright eyes
"sell myself for a bight eyes shirt..."
4) this time last year, i was happy
5) this time last year, you were still around
6) two days til my birthday, what the eff?
7) i hate birthdays

i have

1) the vcard
2) the act of congress cd
neither of which you are ever getting back.

you have nothing of mine.
i guess i got the better end of the deal after all.


p.s. i promise this is the end of the hell hath no fury posts.
maybe.

from A Century of Epigrams by JV Cunningham

29
History of ideas
God is love. Then by conversion
Love is God, and sex conversion.

33
On a cold night I came through the cold rain
And false snow to the wind shrill on your pane
With no hope and no anger and no fear.
Who are you? And with whom do you sleep here?

55
I had gone broke, and got set to come back,
And lost, on a hot day and a fast track,
On a long shot at long odds, a black mare
By Hatred out of Envy by Despair.

62
You ask me how Contempt who claims to sleep
With every woman that has ever been
Can still maintain that women are skin deep?
They never let him any deeper in.

76
Good Fortune, when I hailed her recently,
Passed by me with the intimacy of shame
As one that in the dark had handled me
And could no longer recollect my name.


i stil hate you.
big shout out to eve for existing and kbuck for "following" my bog lol
it's good to be back.

here it comes

I can honestly say that I hate you now. and all your little girl friends. yeah I hate you all. and I haven't hated anyone in a very long time. but you are a dastardly coward. you disgust me. you used me and you never even gave a damn. but that's ok. I have something you don't have. i've got secrets that would make you cry.
so make the best of this distance you have created. see if I ever drive your pathetic drunk ass home again. I hope she is happy; I hope they are all so fucking happy. but most of all, I hope that someone leaves you to cry alone in a parking lot someday. honestly. bastard.


"Seventy Times 7"

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to.

As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

i wanna love you

put it this way
if this song had a penis
i would fuck it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6hxhLzPTR8

i died inside today

school is back again. so long, life.

i'm not really a waitress

lake was fun. did not get chopped. that is all.

please don't

you shouldn't. i wish i did, but i just don't have time for you. i am NOT cute. i am fat. my hair is neither straight nor dyed. i would rather listen to folk music than metal. i only know three led zeppelin songs. i will end up hurting you and you will end up hating me. i don't want either of those things to happen. so please don't.